Thoughts on: Singing
I always loved music, but I never could sing.
My family never could. I have no memories of ever hearing my father or mother sing.
Except at church: where they both sang out of tune.
And then a singing teacher at school humiliated me in front of the whole class. Perhaps in an effort to make me sing, who knows. But he silenced me.
Later, a different teacher showed me I could sing. A rather beautiful treble. In fact, he invited me to sing in the choir.
But by then I was thirteen, very aware of being transgendered, very frightened and ashamed. I was terrified by the sound of my voice. Ashamed of it not breaking.
So there was no way I could take up his invitation.
It's only in the last five years I've been able to begin singing. And only last September (2001) that I became able to sing a song.
I've discovered to my amazement that my voice has a wide range - almost 4 octaves - that I can sing very high, and also very low.
I want to develop all the ranges of my voice, just as I want to express myself in every gender.
And I don't think it a coincidence that I've begun to learn to sing at the same time as I've begun to be far more open about my gender.
One consequence of being transgendered is that I detached from my body. What is wonderful about singing is that it so directly contradicts that. To sing well we have to be utterly in touch with ourselves physically, intellectually and emotionally.
So the journey to discover my voice is absolutely part of the process of expressing and finding my whole self.